My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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