the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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