that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
