She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
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I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
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Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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