it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
