I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Houston, we have a squirter
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
