The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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