Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
