It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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