So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
