i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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