She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
