You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
