The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize