I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
