So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
