Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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