Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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