I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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