Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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