i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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