All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
