She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
