things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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