im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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