Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
