my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
