Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
