he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
