I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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