My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
