Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
