saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
