Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
