I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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