Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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