I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
