I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
