guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
