I think i peed on brittanys purse
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
