When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
