Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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