The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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