well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.