Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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