the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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