i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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