i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
