The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
