I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
