Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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