Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
