I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sorry my hands just texted you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
