She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
