1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
