I wish my penis had an off switch
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Couch. On fire.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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